How is 2009 shaping up, though?  From where things are standing now, you have a reason to feel very, very optimistic.  Just in the early days of February, there’s more than enough to be excited about for many, many walks of gamers.

Immediately, I’m glad to see so much attention getting poured into the DS.  My onyx lite has become a dust-collector, save for the few Pokemon trading moments, since I picked up a PSP.  As much as I love Contra 4, seeing the Darkstalkers sprites of old brought back to life (especially considering most Darkstalkers compilations haven’t seen ports to America) is much more gratifying.  There are quite a few DS titles that are unavoidable, however.

Immediately, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor has been confirmed for a port only recently.  While, it drops the easily identifiable artistic direction of most SMT titles, the general theme remains: demons and angels have descended upon Tokyo, and using strategic RPG gameplay, you will be playing whichever side aids you the most in battle as you negotiate various monsters and demons to join your cause and fight for whatever you choose: destruction or salvation.

Since we’re on the topic of Atlus franchises, the company is definitely doing the DS a service by porting several Japanese titles, one of which comes from a series that is venerated, but only having seen two previous ports to the States.  The Super Robot Wars franchise has gained a solid following in America (mostly due to very unethical reasons, but) due to the strong ties to prominent mecha anime.  Gundam, Macross and Godanner all have seen mecha designs showing up in this very unique and true-to-mecha-anime form series.  Unfortunately do to licensing rights, it would be nearly impossible to secure any of these titles for translation and localization.  However, Original Generation titles of SRW contain (mostly) original characters.  The two titles for the Gameboy Advance became cult-hits, while Super Robot Wars Original Generations: Endless Frontier manages to break several norms of the series.  Feeling closer to Namco x Capcom than a basic strategy RPG, the game has an amazingly straight-forward fighting system that borrows slightly from 2D fighters.  You juggle your enemies in mid-air with timed combos in order to build up a force gauge which can be used to execute incredibly flashy and… jiggly specialty attacks.  Techniques such as canceling and shifting players in a combat phase fill this gauge faster.  As you can tell from the box-art, the game features very… burlesque characters, which all adds to the tongue-and-cheek humor present throughout the title.  You’ll notice the broad with the burgeoning bosoms to the lower right-hand side, who is constantly referred to as a “Milk Cow Princess” almost through the entirety of the game.  There is no shortage of fanfare though, as KOS-MOS, T-ELOS, and various characters from previous titles make cameos rather frequently in this game.

The second DS title Atlus are bringing us is a very hard to categorize game.  I want to say that it’s a strategy RPG, but I’m not confident enough to say that.  So, I’ll let a gameplay video do the talking. It comes off as an amazingly strange, but gorgeous title.

And finally, the last title that’s looking better by the day is “World Destruction.”  What makes this title stand out immediately is the premise.  The world is enslaved by furries, and as good samaritan humans, your job is to make sure you end the world to free it from their fuzzy paws.  Sound good to you too?  Beyond that, the team behind the much-underrated Xenogears are spearheading this title, even composer Yasunori Mitsuda.  Still proving that Sega have a few cards up their sleeves when it comes to RPGs.

Also, do I even need to mention Pokemon Platinum?

Moira’s playing you for a chump. I hope you know that. I can appreciate science as much as the next gal, but the woman is off her rocker. She’s trying to get you killed. She did the exact same thing to me when I first showed up. I humored her with a bunch of cock and bull stories about the Wastes. I’ve got my own copy “Surviving the Wasteland” dedicated to yours truly if you don’t believe me.

Whores are still people. By the sounds of it, you’re not any better than Burke. Not everyone has a special place outside of the vault. There’s no G.O.A.T out here to tell you what to do. You can’t just go around killing prostitutes because you aren’t clever enough to find a job. For crying out loud, Tiger, Moriarty keeps everything anyone wants to know on that terminal in his back office, you know.

I’m serious, slick. Either straighten up or go crawling back to the Overseer. This place is going to eat you alive and spit you out. There are worse things and people than strung out whore in the Wastes. Just a fair warning.

I’ll be around Rivet City in the next few weeks. Look me up if you’re still alive.

Kisses,
Claudia.

I found this shit-hole called Megaton and met a man named Burke who tried to have the entire town wiped clean, and I ratted the sick fuck out.  Not because I care anything about these poor bastards, but because I just don’t care enough to put them under my boot.  Those folks at the Children of the Atom and … Simms’ kid losing his father, I just don’t get it.  It feels like a journey just having gotten this far.  Like.. I’ve got some vicarious controller pushing me forward to find my dad.  I got a house here and things feel strangely stable, Moira’s got me doing these odd tasks for her where I’ve broken more bones in the past few days than I have.  One thing she failed to ask me about her survival guide is the moral grey that’s contrasted by the bloom here in the Wastes.  If you’re reading this, I hope you know what I mean.

I killed someone.  It was some woman living in a house who said she escaped from Moriarty.  I told her I didn’t know the guy, but I lied.  I tried acting like I knew my way around the Wastes and he caught me in my lie, said that he needed 300 more caps for my father.  I had no money, nothing to sell but the clothes on my back… so I shot her.  Her head detached from her body as it fell lifeless to the ground, and I didn’t wait a second before looting everything I could from her place.  I felt bad, but… she was just some whore.  Some whore who spent her time running from her pimp and living off Psycho and Med-X, the world won’t miss her and what I’m doing is important.  Then, I get here to Megaton and I save everything.  I don’t understand it.  Please, please tell me you’re reading this?

-Deniz

Don’t let the comparisons and taglines fool you about it.  If you have a Playstation 3, there can only be a handful of reasons for anyone utilizing this shit software, and none of them are benevolent.  Of course, you might be fooled the second you step foot into the Home universe that it’s much like Second Life or the Sims.  Admittedly, it’s easy to get confused because they both suffer from the creepiest defect of a social sim: everyone is perfect.  There are no fat people, no ugly people; it’s as if the human element has been ethnically cleansed from these games, making them feel immediately sterile and requiring the player to go out on a limb to connect with.

Now, this might sound particularly odd, but I’ve been playing a lot of Home recently.  While, my excuse might sound strange, I’ve had some of the most fun ever had with a program of this type griefing people.  Underneath my belt, I’ve caused two separate couples to begin fighting, had my fat black man or emo Hitler banned from Home many different times.  It’s almost criminally easy the ways you can abuse things in Home.

Some of my favorites include making a arabic or east african avatar and heading over to the Red Bull air race area.  Ask people to point you in the way of the twin towers (WTC as it’s been affectionately dubbed).  Of course, communication is essential to your Home life as well.

Walk up to a sufficient avatar and engage them in polite conversation.

“You jealous?”

“Of what?”

“ME BEING THE KING OF DANCE, BITCH.”

Then do the Running Man dance right in front of them until the end of time.

Why is this guaranteed humor?  I have a friend who has an expression he uses literally whatever chance he gets, and while it’s an annoying line, it’s very true in the case of Home: “Console games are for people too stupid to figure out how to run them on a PC.”  Second Life isn’t exactly impervious to trolling, but the community on Home is so fragile that the urge to shatter it is almost unrefusable. Doing so is often incredibly rewarding, as well.  It’s not uncommon for people to settle their score with you on “COD4 1 ON 1 CAGE MATCH FAGOT”.

In other words, don’t settle for mediocre entertainment when you could be reeling in laughs by the passing running man.  Don’t expect much more out of the incredibly awkward community that is Home, however.

I know I’ve been talking about Left4Dead for months now, but I’m still very much in love with my zombie filled game.

All I’ve been playing is expert campaign and versus…and expert difficulty is insanely hard. My usual Left4Dead group (Brandon, Ben, and Matt) have tried to make it through all four scenarios on Expert difficulty. Sadly, we’ve only successfully beaten one out of the four campaigns. I mean, Advanced is fairly tough as is, but for those teeth-grinding, white-knuckle moments there is Expert. Our sessions usually last about five hours, which mostly end in tragedy. It’s disheartening, yes, but it’s incredibly satisfying if accomplished. Not only do the zombies do much more damage in this mode, but so does friendly fire. For example, Matt is a great player. He’s a good shot. He’s dedicated to play a game for five hours that he might not even win… but he uses the sniper rifle, which is a one shot kill to anyone on his team.

‘BANG’

Matt has incapacitated Bonnie!

“… Sorry.”

Not to say that the Assault Rifle or the Auto-Shottie are any better, but you don’t have to be point blank with the Sniper Rifle to take down one of your compadres with a misplaced shot.

Also, the AI Director is a jerk. I’m sure everyone has had a defining gameplay moment where the invisible jackass has thwarted their efforts and killed off the whole party. In my experience, it’s always on the last level when this moment occurs. It’s always with the escape vehicle on the horizon. So it goes something like this:

After the unrelenting horde of the undead has beaten down on our heroes, they start staggering toward the rescue vehicle. Zoey is near death. Her health is dwindling by the second as she gimps behind her teammates who are in slightly better shape than she is. However, they’re all bleeding out and recovering from the last Tank attack, when there it is: the escape vehicle is in sight. Glorious survival and victory are just a few steps away. The rest of the team gets inside and starts shouting while providing support fire. Amidst the chaos and the roar of the zombies approaching behind Zoey, Bill meagerly shouts out, “Smoker!”… Which has already grabbed Zoey and is dragging her toward the throng.

Smoker has incapacitated Bonnie!

Zoey is left to die for the good of the team.
/roll credits

“…For the good of the team”

I hate hearing that when I’m down. Although, it does give me a good excuse to warble, “L-leave me!” or “Don’t let them eat me! Shoooot meeee!” like I’m actually in a zombie flick. Yes, I’m an idiot and probably the worst person to play Left4Dead with, but at least I’m having fun.

Speaking of idiots, last week Ryan and I decided to play Versus. After exhausting our options of playing with actual people, mostly by saying “brah” every few minutes (don’t ask), we finally got into a game… with just us two. We connected to a party chat and started Blood Harvest. Surprisingly, the game isn’t quite as taught with only two people (What. No way!). The infected side has one special zombie that spawns-in every ten seconds or so (much faster than the twenty some seconds in the standard four on four). This doesn’t help with the crackshot AI-support that a single survivor gets. The AI is merciless and could explode an infected from the darkest corner or through the thickest tree. The match was pretty even throughout our whole campaign, until Ryan met with an open window followed by a mighty long drop. Either way, the entire experience was worth the stupid smack talk and watching Ryan plummet to his death. Very satisfying.

The game is refreshing to play online as I stated in my previous post. It’s weird. I can’t explain why zombies bring people together, but I can only hope that the zombie apocalypse happens… and heals the world.

Cave Story

Cave Story, an action-adventure game designed by Studio Pixel, is my favorite freeware and indie game to date. It combines many classic styles of gameplay from the ol’ NES days; specifically Metroid and Mega Man, and has very artistic pixel-based visuals, making it both look and feel like you’re playing an old classic. There’s not much to talk about in terms of story, but the characters are all portrayed quite nicely and actually have more depth than a kiddie pool. One drawback you may have is with the playtime of this game - as it roughly takes 4 -to-6 hours to beat if you’re experienced. Do not let the playtime fool you, however, this game is definitely difficult if you don’t take it seriously… or if you just happen to waltz into Hell like I did.

As good as Cave Story is, it’s not just the game that amazes me - it’s the creator himself, Daisuke Amaya (Pixel), who singlehandedly created this game over the course of five years. Everything from the gameplay mechanics to scoring the game’s music - he did it all. It’s absolutely amazing, given the depth of the game, that he was able to accomplish such a feat. Even if you end up not liking Cave Story (what the fuck is wrong with you?), you have to respect the guy for managing to do this amazing feat.

Turns out there’ll be an enhanced Wii port of the game soon; completed with enhanced visuals and a remastered soundtrack. I’ll definitely be grabbing it as soon as possible.

Bootfighter Windom: XP

Anyone up for demolishing some cities with giant fighting robots? Bootfighter is a game that emphasizes on the use of mecha vs. mecha combat. Why? Well why the fuck not?! They’re mecha. You do not need a reason to kick ass with a giant robot. Anyway, this game plays like a 3D fighter of sorts, only you’re placed in densely urban environments, and anything getting in the way of you and your opponent is either going to be crushed or blown up. The neat thing is that these mecha are designed in a manner similar to the famous Gundam anime series (Windom), and each unit is named after a particular operating system - ranging from your usual Windows to various Linux distros (Windom).

You have your projectile, close range, and ’special attacks.’ Each except special has one or two keys to use for specific situations - for example: one button will have you shoot with a cannon; the other is a high-powered railgun that pretty much rapes everything in its path. So you get a total of five possible attacks, and a guard command (the combat-based sixth key) In addtion to the aforementioned abilities, you can also jump and - depending on the unit - transform into a flying machine to elude your foe. All of these different fuctions add a level of complexity to the gameplay itself; ‘which moves to use’, ‘when to use them’, ‘when to evade,’ etc.

The game has multiple playing modes, including everyone’s favorite: online play. You can either fight 1-on-1 or choose to fight alongside a battalion of other mecha lovers to destroy the, well, conveniently placed enemy forces roughly equal to your size. Got to love the flawed logic behind vidja and animu. You can even add a little player icon and pre-set battle messages (victory, defeat, etc) to further individualize yourself from other players. I have a lot of fun playing this with my brother, and hopefully you will too.

His ordeal seems sympathetic enough: Someone denied his work; something he poured his blood, sweat, and tears into. Realistically speaking, I’d be pissed off too. But fuck, at least consider some of the other options out there. What the hell will barricading yourself prove? You’re not Gandhi; your game definitely isn’t a national issue, and you’re certainly not going to make anyone bat an eye towards your direction. Get a load of just how arrogant this guy is:

There is nobody like me. I have created the entire game, start to finish.
I am far better than Miyamoto, Itoi, Kojima, Carmack, and Wright COMBINED.
NONE of these “designers” could create the entire thing if their lives depended on it!
They rely on the assistance of others- and take all the credit. They don’t even deserve their titles! I have bested them all by far.

“bob’s game” is a game by ONE PERSON, and it’s one of the GREATEST GAMES EVER MADE- if not THE BEST.
I stand alone on a mountain no other has even dared to climb. I have swam across the ocean only cruise ships could cross.
I have walked through the desert of no return. I have stepped in the footprints of none, a path never taken.
I have MADE HISTORY, and history cannot be undone. It’s too late, Nintendo.

No man has ever accomplished what I have accomplished at 25 years old- it’s no wonder you fear accepting this truth!
My work has humiliated your teams of engineers. One young man- singlehandedly- has made their lifetime of work seem like child’s play.
How can they possibly compete with such overwhelming skill? It’s not even fair, is it? That’s too bad, Nintendo. I’m real, and I’m here.
You can’t ignore me forever. I AM RIGHT, AND IT WILL WORK.

This is just from his latest news post. I can’t even delve into the guy’s earlier comments without facepalming at mach 4.

Now, I love playing indie games. I’m an avid fan of Cave Story, and absolutely love playing Blank Blood and Windom: Bootfighter. I strongly support the movement to independently develop your own games; in order to bring some variety to a cliché-saturated market. This guy is making an absolute mockery of the indie scene, which is really quite the tear-jerker. I don’t want to see other aspiring young developers or potential geniuses turned down simply because of this guy’s actions.

As sad as Bob’s story is, the rejection is pretty justifiable. This guy has no marketing experience, a lack of team ethic as a result of working by himself, and has had no outside input towards his product at all. Combines these qualities with an overinflated ego and you’ve got a failure in the making. It’s really pathetic; almost to a sympathetic degree… almost.

If this guy does get accepted - as doubtful as that seems - then we’re looking at a rather bleak future in video game development. We’ll be seeing an awful lot of terrible RPGMaker titles commerically released if this ever goes through.

Fastforward a decade later: You’ll find a generation of people who’re disinterested in the merit of what makes a good product. People are strolling down the streets with their iPods, listening to terrible music; others congregate around a local convenience store, talking about how the Saw series is “the most awesome shit ever.” These are the same people who’re raised on the flawed ethics of “what makes a good video game.” As far as they’re concerned: All a game needs is blood, tits, gore, a terrible hardrock soundtrack, and flamboyant clothing and they’re sold. What about substance, you ask? Pssh, who needs that?

I mean this in the utmost seriousness when I say “gaming has become a social scene of its own.” The typical stereotype of what one might consider a gamer is relatively easy to identify: A feeble person who wears a pretentious Halo or Zelda t-shirt, banters for hours-on-end about how Final Fantasy VII is the epitome of perfection, and has a minimal or nonexistent social life. The latter tends to fluctuate depending on your skill at Guitar Hero.

In further pointless efforts to differentiate themselves from other “lowly figures,” they adopted terms and phrases. These include: “pwnt”, “BOOM headshot”, “I five-stared your mom on expert”, “all your base are belong to us,” and other banal idioms. It’s bad enough that people like this even exist, but things are becoming far worse with the advent of G4… a channel dedicated to mass-producing these fuckwits by the millions.

G4 is a television channel that claims to “appeal to both the gamer and nerd communities,” in the same fashion as TechTV (whom G4 bought out, sadly). The truth is very different, however, as the majority of their broadcasts consist of Ninja Warrior re-runs and the like. So what about the gaming shows? I count a grand total of two - one focused on reviewing games (X-Play), and the other that mentions them, along with other internet culture news (Attack of the Show!). I blame the latter for further ruining the culture. If you wish to know why, try watching it for ten minutes… I guarantee you’ll cringe in disgust.

Combine all these qualities and you get a recipe for the most annoying individuals on the planet. People who, as ZombieG mentioned in his latest entry, have a penchant for making your life an absolute hell. If I was ever given the choice to live with these guys or GaiaOnline users, I’d sooner consume Agent Orange and end my misery on the spot.

Zombies are my undead bread and butter, so naturally when a zombie co-op shooter is available I jumped to play it…when it came out….a few months ago.

…Yeah, I’ve been kind of lazy about updating, but there’s a lot of games that came out, Christmas, school, my little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave, my grandma dropped acid, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins… In all seriousness, I’ve been certainly getting my money’s worth out of Left 4 Dead.

Left4Dead is a zombie-themed, survival-horror FPS developed by Valve that keeps its players together by surrounding them with hordes of the undead.  I have been dreaming about this game for years. Left 4 Dead is a survival zombie game that keeps its players together with threats of mini-zombie bosses and hordes of the undead. Each level is a different scenario (hospital, airport, farm house, boat) that you and your companions need to fight through to finally reach rescue. Seeing as I have the 360 version of the game, there’s not a lot of options for levels yet, but you’re looking at four different areas to choose from.

The game doesn’t have much of a story in the ways of cutscenes or character development.  Luckily, Left4Dead doesn’t really need a gripping story to keep you playing.   Even so, there are some elements of story that allow the player to piece together what’s going on.  In each safety bunker, you are able to read graffiti on the wall ranging from survivors names to theories of the zombie apocalypse.

The game does thrive off of co-op. In my opinion, if you’re not playing this game with real people, you’re not playing this game right. While your AI companions are not completely stupid, it’s hard to coordinate anything if they only follow you around blindly shooting anything that moves. But as you all are aware of, jerks do exists on XBOX (gasp, say it ain’t so!).

Although, Left 4 Dead does a fairly good job of keeping the “griefers” in check by adding the specials and mass amounts of undead.  If someone decides to play a hero (basically playing a one man army guy like Master Chief), they will quickly be snuffed out by some of the Special Zombies who need to be taken out by a team.  Also, if you’re playing with random people, you always have the option to vote someone out and have them replaced by a good ol’ silent AI character.

The gameplay is generated by an insidious AI Director.  This invisible watcher can make your life in the game a living hell. Essentially, what it’s supposed to do, is gauge how you’re playing and ramp up or tone down the difficulty. Although, after playing it for a while now, it doesn’t really feel like there’s something controlling anything. It feels more random as if there’s not deciding factor what gets thrown at you whether your stomping through the area or getting spanked by the undead.

That’s where the “versus mode” really kicks it up. In this game type, you’re able to play as the infected and hound the survivors to death to score points. It gives the makes the game more intense and a way play while racing through the level with actual people controlling the special zombies.

What the 360-version of the game lacks is levels.  While the game offers hours and hours of re-playability (what with constant changing spawns thanks to the AI Director) the levels you play can get somewhat stagnant as there’s only two scenarios for versus and four for co-op. It’s not that the levels are bad, but they get kind of old. For versus, it’s easy to know all the good hiding spots for the infected pretty quickly if you’ve played the same scenario a dozen or so times.

Another small flaw is there’s no customization for the characters. It is a small complaint, but I’d love to make myself or even change the look of any of the four characters in the game.

I still really love playing this game. It’s always great to have a shooter that I can get into and even people I don’t know that I end up playing with are actually enjoyable. This game makes people super nice. Left4Dead encourages you to help your fellow gamers, so you hear a lot of “Thanks!” or “Nice shot!”.   The game really does force you to work together as a team whether you like it or not.   If a Smoker has someone dangling over an edge, someone has to go free them or that character will die.   It really is essential to work as a group.

Really, it’s refreshing as is the game itself.

However, I also do not consider myself a family man.  Probably the exact opposite, to be honest.  I have my own sense of humor, and if my drink smells funny to you, that’s probably because it is.  Enjoy your cider, my butterscotch shots are calling and they taste like candy.  As if it being the holiday wasn’t enough, I’ve somehow managed to find myself babysitting two of my second-cousins.  They’re half-black.  Not that it matters, but it’s pertinent information, so remember that.

Of course, I knew in advanced these pillow-biters were coming, and I knew they both played video games.  I figured it’d be an easy gig, we’d play some Left 4 Dead, have some fun, whatever.  The day of arrival, they get to my house at one.  In the morning.  I’m sucking down a Red Stripe like it’s a gorgeous nipple dripping future-tense inebriation and playing Team Fortress 2.  The boy, who’ll be referred to as AJ, approaches me while I’m kill-streaking as an Engineer.

“What’s that?” he asks.  I’m glad you asked that, let me tell you.  It’s Team Fortress 2, and it’s been ages since I’ve played such an  endearing game.

“Looks kinda like Halo.”

Thus began the days of perpetual rage.  I’ve heard about people considering Halo to be the forefather of first-person shooters, but in the days of the internet you tend to consider everyone who says it to be joking.  Little did I know that this phenomenon is very real, very obnoxious, and very… close in proximity.  Is my allegiance to first-person shooters?  Of course not.  Goldeneye was my first, Unreal Tournament was my favorite.  Halo doesn’t stand anywhere on that ranking, to be honest.  If people consider “innovation” to mean “just walk away and you won’t die,” then perhaps they should meet Doom guy for a few moments.  Though, I digress.

I tried, I really did.  Asked him if he wanted to try out Left 4 Dead.  His response?  “I tried the demo, seemed to much like Halo with zombies.”  What?  How the fuck can you say that?  Finally, I coax him into it after showing him some of the gameplay.  I did this on advanced, because normal is a joke.  He asks for the controller in his ghetto-fabulous language and I suggest he turn down the difficulty just a smidge.

“No dude, I got this.”

Are you sure about that, chief?

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Now, I’m not implying that watching the undead rape a defenseless black child is funny (though I’m guessing the mental picture may’ve made you crack a smile, and it’s ok, I did too), but I’ve played this.  Extensively.  I’m just trying to help you out, kid.  The rape never stopped and I wound up getting him to the second safe house on Death Toll before passing it back.  All the while I’m explaining the mechanics of the Director, about how the better you are, the more difficult it will make things.  Just as the words “so”, “watch” and “out” escape my chapped lips, I hear the witch crying.  I panic, he doesn’t seem to get it.

“Turn off your flashlight.”

“Why?  I need it to see.”

“There’s a witch here, and if you shine it, she’ll push your shit in.”

He sees it.  Turns his flashlight off.

“Good, just sneak by her and-”

He starts walking toward her.

“What’re you doing?!”

“It’s ok, I got this bro.”

He dumps a magazine of shotgun ammo into her, then bludgeons her with his shotgun butt.

“Told ya.”

The game informs him he’s startled the witch(!)

“How do I pull out my shotgun?!”

“You can’t when you’re incapped.”

The game informs him the survivors are no more.

“I don’t feel like playing this game.”

“That’s cool,” I say as I grab a manilla CD sleeve with something special nestled inside of it.  “I’ve got the Resident Evil 5 demo.”

Just as I inform him that I am so awesome because a nerd I know handed me a burned copy (true story), I put it in and pass him the controller.  He proceeds to tell me about how much he loved Resident Evil 4 and how many times he’d beaten it.  Even went so far as to say he unlocked the infinite launcher.  That’s nice kiddo, but what about the Chicago typewriter?

“The what?”

The god damn Tommy gun.

“Uh.”

The handcannon?

“What is that?”

Sigh.  The laser?

“I didn’t know you could get one of those!”

Load up Resident Evil 5.  In the first short minutes of the intro, he said what I knew was coming.  “Why’d this have to take place in Africa?”  Why the fuck not?  How many white zombies do you see getting gunned down?  Damn near all of them.  Not to mention, Resident Evil 4 took place in Spain and he fucking loved that.  Nevermind the irony in all of the comments about Jewish people he felt necessary to make afterward, but that’s a separate story all it’s own.  You’re in Africa, the zombies will be Africans.  Go figure.

He proceeds to play.  Horribly.  I’ve never seen a kid shoot so much dirt in my life, and he’s barreling off shots like the game hands it to him free of charge.  He dies over and over again, ignoring the most obvious of advantages the game practically handed to him.  So much for being awesome with your Resident Wiivil 4 and your waggling, ‘ey kiddo?

After that brief encounter, my little brother decides to finish his game on Shadow of the Colossus.

“Is that Prince of Persia?”

“You nigger.”

“What’d you say?!”

“The enemies are bigger.”

“Oh, I thought you said-”

“What? ‘Nigger’?”

“Um.. y-yeah.”

End of night one.  I cap things off by finishing off my Red Stripes and awkwardly laughing whenever Oblivion asks me: “Do you really want to be a Dark Elf?”

I wake up the next morning and grief Call of Duty 4 on the PS3.  It’s fun hearing Arabic people tell me my mother is a “sheet” and my father is a “sheet” and I am a “sheet.”  A “dry sheet.”  He wakes up and watches me play, and asks me if I’m trying to suck on purpose.

Why, yes.  Yes I am.  I show him the hospitable messages the fines denizens of the world have been leaving me and he laughs, which is good.  Then, he proceeds to tell me about how much ass he kicks on Call of Duty.  I offer him the controller, and it’s slaughter.  Having Call of Duty 4 for both the PS3 and 360, I think I can safely make the call that PSN users are a bit more casual than the 360 group.  I hear those frat boys with Cheetoh stains on their A&F shirts can be pretty mean after a Weiser or two.

I decide to cut the sodomy short and ask him if he wants to play Halo 3.  His eyes light up and he says sure, so I turn on my 360 and… what’s this?  This isn’t my profile.

“Oh, I meant to tell you.  I took out your hard drive while you were asleep.”

You did… what.  Ok, ok.  Calm down.  Just play the damn game.

So, we’re on High Ground, starting weapons are terrible, it’s like an actual match.  The ending score was 75-32, my only weapon(s) being dual SMG’s.  During the extensive length of this tenure, I was suffering trash talk at the behest of the self-proclaimed king of grenade “bouncing”.  Oh… kay…

I decide to end things early that night and play some Witcher when I hear something.. oddly familiar.  I believe that’s… Yeah.  That’s Naruto Ultimate Ninja on my 360.  This is the part where I laugh and lose the battle.

Next to last day, and I just want to sleep.  I’ve had to endure nonsense about how this kid doesn’t let people even bring PS3’s to his house because he so despises the console, even his sing-alongs with Naruto dialog.  I’m ready for this shit to end like right now.  I hop on the desktop, load up Command and Conquer Generals: Zero Hour after something catches my eye.  The memory card for a sibling’s digital camera is lodged in my computer.  With MySpace photos.  Cleverly angled ones.  I facepalm and search around a little bit more.  This poor child had left himself logged in, so I took the liberty of browsing around.  Basketball  players?  Check.  Rappers with Bart Simpson bling?  Check.   Naruto?  Che-wait, what?  Naruto?

I saved as much data from his MySpace page as I possibly could, and added a second e-mail account named “Moonjamin Franklin,” a title I’m particularly happy about.  It might take a little while, but it’s coming, kid.  Your password’s been saved in Forefox’s cache, I’m going to enjoy that destruction very, very much.  This was made apparent whenever I read what he’d written in the “what are you doing” field.  His entry?

“I spent my day watching nerds play video games.”

That was the final straw.  I tolerated the Naruto, the comparison between every game I liked to Halo, the constant spoiled brat-ishness, even that one game where you killed iconic mythical creatures and howled like a madman doing it.  No, I do not want to see Minotaurs die, I want to see them live happily in a land full of Narwhals and Sasquatches and Giant Squids who serve tea with all eight tendrils.  Delicious motherfuckering tea.  You may consider that nerdish behavior, but between this kid and me, one of us watches Naruto and edits their Myspace templates religiously, the other does not.  I have a social life I rather enjoy, I’ll be bartending butterscotch shots and amaretto sours at a house-warming party in just a few days.  The other one will be stuck behind a computer screen constantly eyeing his MySpace page.

I’ll be driving this kid to North Carolina today, and it’ll be a long trip.  You better believe there will be a significant amount of gore-grind and drone metal blaring in my vehicle.